In a private Facebook group someone asked this question yesterday:
“When will I meet someone who totally gets me? People do not see me fully.”
To be seen, heard and understood is one of the greatest desire in life for most people. But there is a catch … Because, underneath this desire is another desire.
The subject interests me. Because, to be seen for who I am, is also something I have longed for in my life so desperately! Because at times I have felt so incredibly misunderstood and alone… I sometimes believed that no one could ever fully understand me. I finally found the catch and cleared it up.
This is what I wrote back:
“I understand you want to be understood by others and you want to be seen fully. I have craved so much to be seen and understood. And still do sometimes.
Your question rises some questions in my mind:
How would you know if someone is seeing you fully or not? Do you really know what another person sees when they look at you? Is it possible for you to see another fully?
In my experience, when I can accept whatever others see in me, I feel seen. Because I have no attachment to how others see me.
When I really want others to see me in a specific way, or specific parts of me, I will probably feel partly unseen. And when this happens, I can decide to be ok about that or not. And when I am not ok, I can be ok about not being ok.”
Clear view on the ‘problem’
So, suppose that you really want to be seen by others and that you do not have that experience.
If you know something about the Law of Attraction, you will understand this: a part of you is blocking that experience of being seen. That part has reasons not to want to be seen. Part of you must be a match with the experience of ‘not being seen’. Whether that energy comes from yourself, from your upbringing or past lives. Apparently you are a match with it.
Even if you know that, how can you deal with this? How can you make peace with the desire to be seen and the experience of not being seen?
Do you ever have the feeling that no one sees you as you really are? I’m going to tell you how to get out of that lonely pit.
Find two opposite parts in yourself. In this example: one that really wants to be seen and its counterpart: a part that does not want to be seen.
Step 2: Get to know the first part better.
• What would I like the other person to see about me? How do I want the other to see me? What qualities do I want to show?
• Suppose you could see this part, what would it look like? How does this part behave? What does this part want? What does it not want? If it weren’t, you wouldn’t feel like someone isn’t seeing you fully.
• Then you dive a little deeper into this by asking: why do I want someone else to see me? If no one ever saw this part of me, why would I mind?
Think of reasoning toward being useful, being good, worthy of life or love.
• Validate this part: Tell this part of yourself that it is completely understandable and okay that this part is as it is.
Step 3: Get to know the counterpart better.
The counterpart is a part of yourself that has an interest in not being seen as you are. part also, what would it look like? How does this part behave?
• Ask this part: What is more important to you than being seen?
Is it perhaps more important to have a feeling of being together with the other? And not to be (too much) different? Or is it safer not to show anything that could give you criticism? Or would you rather maintain a sense of freedom than be seen by others in a specific way? When people don’t see you, they can’t “pigeon-hole” you. What’s more important to this part?
• Validate this part. Tell this part that, with the background and experiences it’s had so far, it’s perfectly understandable and okay, to be that way.
Step 4: Stand in the middle
Realize that you yourself are a presence experiencing both parts. Picture yourself having both parts around you. You can imagine to stand in between, right in the middle.
Understand that you (until now) unconsciously thought you had to choose between one of the two. Maybe one moment, another moment. Or that you subconsciously always thought one was more important than the other. Decide that you consider them equally important now. Apparently you have experienced situations that have pulled these parts apart. It was once necessary to make that split.
Now is the time to embrace both parts of yourself. It is okay to let yourself be moved by opposite inner movements. It’s okay that sometimes you are and sometimes you are not inclined to show certain parts of yourself.
Find peace in the middle, so that you can freely make your choice about what you show.
Step 4: Give others freedom too
You can probably already stay more and in the middle and observe your inner movement. Can you now also let others free to be moved by you? Can you accept that someone else will or will not see something about you? Can you allow someone to be moved or not by you?
Whatever your answer is, it is a correct answer. All you have to do is be honest and open.
Step 5: Honesty over ‘goodness’
And, if you can’t manage to release others now, can you be okay with having two opposite parts in this too? One who is willing to release the other and one who is not willing to do so. You can work with this in the same way as with the two opposite parts around the theme ‘being seen’.
Important reminder: honesty and openness are more rewarding than ‘goodness’. Parts once ended up in your unconscious because they were ‘bad’ or ‘unacceptable’. Remove the catches from your conscious wishes and discover that you can also understand and embrace the (until now) unconscious counter-rowers.
Good to know
Do you have problems with anything, or do you seem unable to progress with a particular theme? Then there are always two opposite parts at work within yourself. Two parts that do not seem to be able to pass through one door with each other or with you (your image of yourself). The method I described above can be used for all ‘problems’ with conscious wishes and unconscious counter-rowers. Always look for those two parts and look at them, feel them, validate them. Understand them both completely.
So that you can continue to perceive from the center in that encompassing consciousness. You don’t have to be dragged all the way in one direction anymore. You can see both sides from the free center and take the next step in that freedom.